Old people are annoying. As much as it may seem like I’m just another self-entitled millenial whining about how life is too hard, that is not the truth at all. I am an awesome nearly 30 year old man who is overqualified for most jobs that I’ve been able to find. Here are some tips on how old people can stop sucking so bad and catch up to the rest of the world.
1. Stop being so fucking polite!
I can’t repeat this shit enough. Old people (or older people) think it’s politer to say “Excuse me” or “Can you repeat that” when they can’t hear you. It’s already your fault. I didn’t talk too fast, you listened too slow. I’ve always hated having to repeat myself. Sometimes it seems like people pretend not to understand me just to fuck with me. But if you honestly couldn’t hear what I said… just ask me to repeat myself without being polite about it.
And this goes for other things too. Older people rely too much on this politeness script and its gone too far. Like if you’re working whatever retail job and a credit/debit card is “declined” you’re supposed to say “Could you please try that again?” Personally, I think that’s stupid. Tell them it was declined… most of the time it’s some shitty expired debit card and they have a new one. I’d much rather hear “Your card was declined” from the cashier. I know we’re supposed to help them save face, so they can politely bow out rather than admit the card was declined… but it’s a waste of time. Just be direct. It’s not that hard, is it?
2. Learn to use a fucking credit card.
Nothing grinds my whinebag gears more than some old person who pays for cash with everything. I mean, cash is good sometimes. If you want to leave a tip somewhere and know it’s going to get there directly rather than have it put on a credit card… it’s nice to have a cash tip. But older people seem to be stuck on paying cash for everything. It’s not that hard to track your spending with a credit card, in my arrogant autistic libertarian opinion. If you really need to use cash to feel confident in your spending habits, you are part of the problem.
Credit cards are so much safer than cash it’s not even funny. If someone steals cash from you, you have no way of tracking it down. With a credit card, it is all attached to your name and you can easily get all fraudulent charges reversed. I personally believe that US Americans (channeling my favorite beauty pageant girl here) should all get credit cards as teenagers to build their credit rating, instead of being beholden to debit cards and corrupt banks. But I’m just… one man.
3. Accept cuts in social security and medicare.
The way you boomers have treated us millenials lately, you don’t deserve your social security or medicare anymore. Instead of forcing us to pay higher taxes, how about donating some of your unneeded social security and medicare money back to the government… or to a business. A couple of simple solutions. Cap payments and raise the retirement age. The goverment isn’t here to make every old woman have enough money for nine cats and five dogs. Accept some austerity, because the way I’ve been treated since age 24 with a Master’s Degree, society should invest in me.
4. Use technology more effectively
Twenty years ago it was exciting to finally have my grandparents on AOL so we didn’t have to write thank you notes and could talk to them more often. But nowadays every older person has a smartphone and thinks we should all “have an app for that”. I think it’s time we stopped relying so much on phones. Technology (especially the internet) is a tool, not a way of life. I mean I used to be videokid.com (hoping to buy it back soon too) so I was once this overly-geeked out kid. But at this point, it’s gone too far. Everyone wants to have everything these days. Personally, I miss the days of QBASIC on DOS computers and Sim City on old Mac computers at school. When everyone has a Samsung Galaxy 6 or iPhone 7, suddenly it’s not exciting anymore. When you ask about an “app for that” or install QR codes everywhere, you’re more annoying than someone without any phone on them. Maybe that’s just a Bay Area thing, though.
5. Let kids be kids, sometimes
Nothing is more depressing than little old ladies chastising young children for showing ANY amount of energy. It’s like they want them to be little dolls that stand there and do nothing. News for you, old people. That isn’t how kids work. I used to be a kid… I was a pretty “hypo-active” kid to use my annoying mom’s lingo, meaning I wasn’t a very physically active child. But kids will be kids, and scolding a child just for being happy is retarded. It’s one thing to make sure they’re quiet in the movie theater, the airplane, or a library… but if they’re out in the park running around… that’s what parks are for.
6. Respect your juniors
I’m done “respecting my elders”. I’ll respect people if they respect me and if they deserve my respect. But if some old person talks down to me like I’m retarded, you lose all my respect. Just because I shake a bit doesn’t mean I need your help. I’m shaking because I’m excited about my future, not because I’m struggling to carry my iced coffee at McDonald’s. Telling me shit like “Be careful there” and talking to me like I’m a weakling or a small child, is condescending and patronizing.
Good night. No luck. I have all the luck.